November Myvember

I love the month of November. Always have and always will. Why? Well why not. It’s one month before December, which means a few days closer to holiday, parties and a month away from starting over. But also because I was born in the month of November. Yup proud to be a Scorpio baby.

But this year, November holds some bitter sweet memory. I found out I was pregnant one week after my birthday (however i’ve already suspected it for some time). I was over the moon. My husband was thrilled. My mother-in-law literally screamed and cried when we told her. I was prepared to do whatever it takes so that my baby would be born healthy. I took whatever supplements that was prescribe to me, I avoid all foods that I was suppose to avoid, I drank milk at least 2 times a day (yuck!), I read books and surf online for pre-natal care, I avoided movies and series that shows violence or gross stuff including my fav “American Horror Stories” (absolutely love it) and it all paid off as I slowly started to see the growing of my baby bump. I was one proud mama.

And then the panic kicked in. What if what I’m doing is not enough? How much are the baby stuff? (damn its really pricey)What are the baby stuffs that I need? What injections am I or my baby suppose to take during pregnancy, after pregnancy etc. I had limited resources so naturally I googled it.

That was when the nightmare began. I started spotting. A little bit on the first occasion but more on the second occasion which made me run all the way to emergency to have it checked. Both my trips to the emergency were fruitless as the ultrasound didn’t show me the fetus. During the second trip my first doctor said everything should be fine as my hcg level was steadily growing higher.

However my mother in law felt that it’s better to seek a second opinion. The second doctor also performed ultrasound on me and still couldn’t see the result. But he was much more pessimistic and told me either it could be an ectopic pregnancy or it’s the early result of a miscarriage. Needless to say, I was devastated. It was such a blow to my husband and his family. Still we hoped and prayed for the best. Everything should be clear in our next visit which was scheduled in 2 weeks time.

Those were the longest two weeks time that I’ve known. Every day we prayed and hoped for the best.

The day finally came. I’ve prayed that my baby will show himself to me. God granted my wish. I saw the fetus and even heard his heartbeat. All the doctors in the room said the same thing, “Oh, what a lovely embrio... unfortunately it’s growing in the fallopion tube instead of the uterus”.

I was schedule for a surgery on the same day. The doctor tried to save my fallopian tube but the fetus burst during the surgery, causing the doctor to remove it.

I got a glimpse of heaven and was thrown back to earth before I had a chance to enjoy it. And all these happened within my favourite month of the year.

To a lesser woman, this could be an experience that is hard to get over with, but lucky for me I have a very strong support system and this does not diminish my spirit in trying again as soon as my doctor gives the green light. 

I will see you again soon!

Our Story

A boy meets girl. They fall in love. Get into some drama. Got over the drama and lives happily ever after. Well that pretty much sums up on how a relationship usually works. But if we were to tell our story in that way, then all the romantic comedies won’t be able to rack in millions of dollars and our favourite actors like Ryan Reynolds, Gareth Butler, Kate Hudson etc will be out of jobs. Kinda suck right?

I’m not exactly a hopeless romantic but once in a while I do like to treat myself to some romance. Be it a book or a movie, at the end of it I would like to experience the “awwwwwww” moment.

My story may not be as romantic as the Titanic but it’s still pretty sweet. It’s the story of how I met the love of my life.

I grew up in a pretty normal old-fashioned family. My dad was the sole breadwinner and my mom was the traditional housewife. Like any other girl, I was exposed to Disney Princesses and fairy tales and thus influence my choice of men. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’d never really had a list of criteria but I remember clearly that I told myself that the man I’m gonna marry must be well-liked by my dad and must be fluent in English. Even though the list wasn't long, the first criteria were really hard to fulfil.

I went to an all-girls school during my primary years and hence my interaction with the opposite side was pretty limited. When I turned 13 my parents transferred me to a mixed school. Needless to say, I was pretty awkward and shy around boys. Sure I had a few crushes here and there but I would never have the gut to confront the guy and tell him how I feel- that was until my best friend dared me. One thing you gotta know about me is I that hardly turn down any challenges.

So with my heart beating wildly in my chest, I made my way to the next door class. I saw him goofing around with his mates outside his class and once he spotted me, he stopped whatever he was doing and he just stood there. Waiting. As if he knew what was coming. With my scarlet flushed face and shaky barely audible voice I told him that I thought he was cute, and then I ran off without waiting for a reply. I was embarrassed beyond words as that was the first conversation I had with him and I was pretty sure he had no idea who I was (I was right).  

Imagine my surprise when he greeted me a few hours later through a window (I was assigned to sit near a window in my class) and told me he thought I was cute too. That was the first admission I got from a boy and it made me feel delirious with happiness. Through a mutual friend whom happened to be my best friend, he expressed his interest in making me his girlfriend. And I agreed. If I’m not mistaken that happened on a Wednesday or Thursday. By Tuesday I was single again.

Yea I know what you’re thinking. That must be the shortest puppy love ever existed in a 13 year old life. Well, I’m not going to go into details but I was betrayed by a friend who I thought I wouldn’t hesitate to lay my life for. She went behind my back and told my new boyfriend that she liked him too. And together they managed to deceive me for a few days before he finally found his balls to come clean and break it off with me. Although I still stayed friends with her for a few years to come, our friendship hadn’t been the same. I was really hurt by the betrayal on her part as she was the only friend I’d ever trusted. As for the guy- I supposed who could blame him. He just entered puberty and had two girls liking him. It’s only natural for a boy his age to act like an idiot.

And uhh he changed school soon after. Thank god!

I had a few flings and boyfriends after that, but none of them are worth mentioning.

When I was 15, my dear aunt whom I loved and adored was going through a bitter divorce. One day when she was feeling down about her situation she gave me the best advice any 15 year old should consider. She said that it’s never too early to pray for a good husband. Of course it might sound ridiculous to pray for a husband at 15, but for some reason I did it anyway.

If someone told me that I would meet my life partner when I’m 16, I would tell them to take a hike. But that’s exactly what happened.

Never in my life would I have imagined that my first boyfriend who was a real jerk would turn out to be my greatest love ever. 

Despite our falling out when we were 13, my so called best friend and I are still friends even though it always feels as though we have this invisible barrier between us that hold us back from trusting one another again. Anyway as fate would have it, she played a significant role in my happy ending.

It was her 16^th birthday and she was having a small gathering at her house. If memory serves me right, it was on the 11^th June 2003. She seemed happy but was constantly distracted by phone calls and texts. When we asked her about it, she said that she invited a boy to a party and she wasn’t sure whether he was coming. She later revealed the identity of the mysterious boy. Yup just like in any predictable romantic movie, the boy in question is the protagonist in my story. But he was a no show. She was disappointed and I was actually relief. (I found out later that the reason he didn’t go is because he didn’t want anyone to misunderstand their relationship)

That night I got a text message from an unknown number. It was from him. That was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Even after all these years, the best memories that hold dear in my heart have always been the courtship in the early stages of the relationship. We were young and naïve. We didn’t judge one another based on our income, the kinda car that we drive, the house that we live or who do we know. It was just about him and me. Nothing else. I always think that it’s the purest love that I’ve known (family aside of course).

Every time I think of all the silly things that we did, it always put a smile on my face. All the mid-night phone calls, the stupid jokes we’d forwarded to each other, all the  “first-time” experience we shared  together i.e. first date, first kiss, first prom, etc.

Coming into adulthood, we were fortunate enough to study in the same university, doing the same course together. But it wasn’t easy. We went through hell and back for it.

I did really well in my SPM and was awarded an opportunity to study abroad for 3 years. I knew it meant the world to my dear old dad but somehow it just wasn’t for me. The course offered was something I had no interest in doing. I had other plans in mind. Him being the perfect guy he is, got me a scholarship in one of the most prestigious private university in the country. I was thrilled. However I was torn between following what I want and what my dear daddy wanted for me.

When I told my dad of the amazing opportunity that my beau got for me, he wasn’t pleased. We fought, he shouted and I cried. But the worst thing that my dad did to me was to simply ignore me. For 3 months.  It was the darkest period of my life. Even remembering it still makes me sad. In the end I decided to follow my gut instinct. I was really grateful my dad didn’t cut me off. A lot of people think the reason I turned down the once in a life time opportunity was because of my relationship. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I wanted to stay because I feel it would do me a lot more good than bad. But eventually my dad and I rekindle our relationship and he couldn’t be prouder of his little girl.

Throughout that horrific drama in my life, my beau stayed with me. He was my sole supporter and I am forever grateful for that.

In 2008, we both decided to do our final year in United Kingdom. I was simply ecstatic. Being in a foreign country, having no one to rely on except for each other, our bond became stronger than ever. There are a lot of fond memories that we shares in this other chapter of our life. But it’s always the simplest thing that stays with me like our mid-night kebab run, evening walks by the riverside, morning car boot sales, groceries shopping and our once in a week eating out occasion. These are the things that money can’t buy.

In 2011, we ended our “single” status and upgrade it to “married” status when he proposed on the 11^th July 2013, the World Cup where Paul the Octopus predicted that Spain would win the final. But Paul wasn’t the only one who was good at predicting. On that fateful day, he seemed nervous and a bit guarded and somehow a bit picky about what I was wearing. The whole thing smells fishy from the start and plus based on the birthday “surprise” celebration he once threw for me, I knew something was up. He could never hide his emotion from me. And I knew he knew that I knew.

He took me to Menara Mustapha in Sabah and showed me the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. We had some refreshment before the waiter led us to a secluded part of the restaurant. I was starting to enjoy the ambience and food when he suddenly called the waiter and ask him to play a more romantic song. To those who knew him would know that this behaviour is totally bizarre.  The whole thing was even funnier when the waiter came to take our photo, using the restaurant’s camera.

One thing that I did not expect was that I would burst into tears when he finally got down on his knee and proposed despite my expectation. Honestly I did not hear a word he said while he was on his knee except for , “will you be my wife?” because I was busy crying and looking at the ring. Trying to measure the diamond.

We got married almost a year later in a traditional wedding. It was a gorgeous event (I bet all bride would say the same thing). It was our 8^th year together.

Well now, here we are two years later, a day shy of our 10 year anniversary, with me trying to write a meaningful blog entry to present to him during our mini honeymoon.

11.07.2010

Sweetie this entry is dedicated wholly to you. Maybe there are days where I forgot to say or show how much I love you. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t. We have been through so much together and honestly I cannot imagine going through life without you by my side. You have made my life so unbelievably wonderful and I truly appreciates that you still stay with me and love me despite my flaws.

I love you so much and here’s to another 10 years and more <3 <3

Our first winter in UK

He's a hard core Man U supporter

                                        

                                             Our first snow fight

Gorgeous sunset on the day he proposed

Outsider looking in

For those who are a major art lover, Art Expo 2013 is one event you don’t wanna miss. It showcases about 2,000 pieces of artworks from all over the world including Spain, Italy, Iran, Singapore, Myanmar, Indonesia and of course Malaysia.

City Landscape Kuala Lumpur by Jansen Chow. It was sold for RM19,500 (my husband's fav)

Yusof Ghani's work- Bayu Biru. It is currently valued at RM95,000

Another artwork influence by KL city light

More artworks by Malaysian talents

I have always been a fan of artworks, especially painting and sculptors, and working in my current company gives me a chance to learn and observe this colourful or sometimes colourless industry. I have grown to appreciate the difference concept of art, i.e. cubism, abstract, still life, contemporary etc.

But first I need to put a disclaimer that whatever I write in my blog is purely from a shallow perspective, so don’t sue me if I get my facts wrong. I have only gotten to know a handful of artist and a little bit of their background and their work i.e. Pablo Picasso  (you must have been living under a rock if you have never heard this name before), Cloude Monet, Edward Hopper, and as for Malaysian talents, Abu Mutalib, Hamir Soib, Hussin Hourmain, Yusof Ghani, Eng Hwee Chu and Tan Chi Kuan.

Artworks from Russia

The Precious Message by Kim Eun-Ok (Korea) It is an oil painting on a wood canvas. Currently valued at USD3,000

I actually had the privilege of meeting two of the above mentioned artists in their studio in my first month on the job. Their journey is a fascinating story.

Artworks from Switzerland

Some msges are pretty sad

Anyway Art Expo Malaysia is the first art exhibition that I have the opportunity to attend. Ignorant of this industry I was pleasantly surprise to see the crowd. I have always  thought only major douches would turn up to this sort of event, wearing a penguin suit with their noses in the air and holding a glass of wine or some sort of fancy drink. I always had the idea that this scene is only accessible to the rich and famous. But I am delighted to see normal people walking around the exhibit, chatting amongst themselves while admiring the artworks. Guess I am the one who was living under a rock.

Art Installation

Art Installation

Moving slowly from one booth to another, I’ve started to notice the differences in each artwork, which are perhaps influence by the environment where they came from. Like for examples, artworks from Korea is influence by the colourful dresses women wear, Saekdongot (again don’t sue me if I’m wrong) and I’ve noted artworks originated from Switzerland looks sooooo flawless, sooo perfect. To the untrained eyes of mine they look as though they are the printed version of the original work.

I actually persuaded my husband to go with me to the expo, so that I could impart my shallow knowledge upon him, in hopes that he might finance this expensive passion of mine later on. But being a typical caveman that he is, he look absolutely bored while I gushes over the paintings that I wish were mine (dare to dream babeh)  

I left the expo feeling exhilarated and inspired to learn and understand more about this industry.

 

Artwork from Iran entitled The Queen

I need a holiday after a holiday

Malacca is not a foreign domain for me. I have been going to Malacca at least twice a year because of weddings, work or simply for a weekend gateway. Malacca has never failed in captivating me with its rich history and culture, the sinfully delicious foods and the charming atmosphere the little shops in Jonker Street provides.

However, my short vacation to Malacca over the Malaysia Day's weekend has been the most memorable one I’ve had so far. It’s all down to a little guest house by the Malacca riverside called Oriental Riverside Residences which is located in the heart of Malacca city.

The charming guesthouse 

Our first night in Malacca

Teh tarik session after dinner

When I first set my eyes on the place, I’d thought to myself, "Well, this is different".  It really is different from all the hotels or motels I've stayed in.  At least the rooms always came with an attached bathroom.  (yea yea i'm a bit spoilt)

Oriental Riverside Residences is a three storey shop lot that has been converted into a guesthouse. It has 8 rooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 common room and 1 kitchen. I've had the pleasure of staying in room number 6, on the top floor. Luckily for me, my room comes with a so-called bathroom. It’s not a real bathroom so to speak, but more like an outdoor space with high walls, and a zinc rooftop with a working sink and a green plastic dipper.

Basic standard room, RM78 per night

But what they lack in luxury and comfort, they sure make it up in warmth hospitality and diversity in tenants. The host of the guesthouse is a European couple who's been in Malaysia for a few months and are helping the owner of the guesthouse whenever he's away.  Arnold is an IT programmer from Germany and Hilda is a banker from Belgium. The two of them are a hard core traveller and they have been exploring the world, especially Asian countries for 30 years now. Arnold is extremely friendly and funny while Hilda is exceptionally knowledgeable.

Our last night in Malacca with Arnold, Hilda, Eva & Thomas

Staying at Oriental Riverside Residences also offers a few other perks. It’s close to everything! We didn’t have to venture far for food and shopping as it is only a 5 minute walk to Jonker Street. And plus along the riverside there’s plenty of small café and pubs for you to hang out or have a nice meal.

Morning stroll by the riverside

Otw to Jonker Street

One of the many reasons y i love Malacca

@ Jonker Street

Jonker Street Night Market

Pretty cute right?

Korean guest house by the riverside

During our stay in the guesthouse, my family and I have the pleasure of meeting another couple from a small town near Frankfurt, Germany, Eva and Thomas. Eva is a frequent traveller as well and they have been in Malaysia for a few days. Malacca is their second destination before they start their journey south.  We also met a couple of girls from Korea, one who was a victim of a snatch thieft on her first day in Malacca! Poor girl. She still have a scar on her neck, where the assholes snatched her necklace.

Alrite, enough about the guesthouse. Let's talk about Malaysian's favourite topic; FOOD! Everyone knows that Malacca is famous for its Ikan Assam Pedas. But the best place that offers the dish would be Kari Kepala Ikan Hajah Rahmah. Yup based on the name itself you can tell that the shop is also famous for their fish head curry. I’m not a big fan of fish head curry but I definitely love the asam pedas.

Double portion of these = RM198

Until my recent visit I’d never knew about the existence of a malay shop that sells the best kueh melaka that I’ve ever tasted in Jonker Street. The shop is located opposite a chicken rice shop (yea it doesn’t help does it?) But if I’m not mistaken it’s the only malay shop that sells food in Jonker Street. I highly recommend that you guys try this out on your next visit Malacca.

But my favourite food joint would be Bistro 1673 which is also on Jonker Street. It is a bit hidden from the street as you need to go through a sort of an alley (don’t worry it’s not a dodgy alley as the alley serves as an entrance to the restaurant) to get to the bistro. It’s an open space restaurant that has a variety of food and provides really nice setting. And uh, they also have a live band. My brother-in-law even performed a song, “When you say nothing at all” with the band. He’s a real crowd pleaser.

My fav is the marinara spaghetti 

Fahim, the natural performer

No trip to Malacca would be complete without having a seafood dinner at Umbai. However after having a taste of the sweet and fresh seafood that Sabah offers, I feel that my taste bud have develop an appreciation of finer things in life, thus making Umbai seafood not as good as how I remembered it. Nevertheless, Umbai is still a must-have stop on your visit to Malacca.

@ Umbai

Cookie Monster

My family is known to have a sweet tooth especially my father-in-law, my youngest brother in law and me. We love all type of desserts!! But our all-time undeniable favourite would be the Famous Amos  Chocolate Chip Pecan cookies!! Whenever we walk pass a Famous Amos stall we wouldn’t be able to resist the sweet aroma that is wafting through the air. Mmmm just thinking about it makes me drool. Yes yes  it’s no wonder why I have not achieve my dream of having toned and lean body like Megan Fox. But dare to dream babeh.

Well anyway, the last Aidilfitri, I've tried making double chocolate chip cookies using various recipes from various sources and although I've wasted a lot of flour, butter, sugar etc, I have manage to find a recipe that resembles Famous Amos cookies. I can't quite replicate the smell that seems to linger in every Famous Amos stall, but the taste is pretty much the same.

Since I was making a batch of these delicious cookies upon request from my youngest brother in law last night, I thought I’ll share the recipe here.

Ingredients

125 grams dark chocolate (minimum 70% cocoa solids)

150 grams plain flour

30 grams cocoa powder (sieved)

1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda

½ teaspoon salt

125 grams soft butter

75 grams soft light brown sugar

50 grams white sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 large egg (cold from the fridge)

350 grams dark chocolate chips (or semi sweet chocolate morsels)

Method

1. Preheat the oven to 170°C/gas mark 3/325ºF. Melt the 125g / 4oz dark chocolate either in the microwave or in a heatproof dish over a pan of simmering water.

2. Put the flour, cocoa, bicarbonate of soda and salt into a bowl.

3. Cream the butter and sugars in another bowl. Add the melted chocolate and mix together.

4. Beat in the vanilla extract and cold egg, and then mix in the dry ingredients. Finally stir in the chocolate morsels or chips.

5. Scoop out equal-sized mounds and place on a lined baking sheet about 6cm apart. Do not flatten them.

6. Cook for 8 minutes, testing with a cake tester to make sure it comes out semi-clean and not wet with cake batter. If you pierce a chocolate chip, try again.

7. Leave to cool slightly on the baking sheet for 4-5 minutes, and then transfer them to a cooling rack to harden as they cool.

Before

After

Skeleton in my closet

Since this is my first blog entry, I thought I should start it off with a bang. By that, I mean I'm about to tell the whole world one of my biggest secret ever. Why? I've struggled with this issue for a while and I realised that by telling someone about it, made me feel liberated and thus helping me in overcoming the biggest obstacle in my life. And I do hope that my experience will be able to help other women who are suffering in silence.

30^th April 2011 may be the happiest day in my life as I was officially married to my childhood sweetheart in a fairy tale wedding, after being together for more than 8 years. After months of stressful planning and preparing for the big day, both of us were looking forward to our honeymoon, for some pampering and relaxation and of course, intimacy. 

Wedding Photos

Unfortunately our honeymoon ended up disastrously as his needs for intimacy wasn't fulfilled. He was frustrated and I was miserable. We have tried so many times, in so many ways and yet two years have gone by and I still remained a virgin.  After consulting numerous doctors, the result was still the same. One of the doctors even had the gall to say that “it was all in my head” and that if I do not resolve this soon then my marriage was pretty much over. I was utterly heartbroken. But my husband assured me that he would always be with me no matter what. But I’m no fool. One thing I know for a fact is that love does not conquer it all. This is not a Shakespeare’s play, this is real life.

To make things worse is that people keep asking about when we are planning to start a family. Whenever my husband and I try to end the topic by saying we weren’t financially ready yet, we would always get the disapproval and sometimes disgusting looks from them. And my in-laws’ hope of seeing a baby in the family only led to more tears on my end.

Happier Times

After searching the internet for months, I stumbled upon a website called www.vaginismus.com. After reading the testimonials of women facing the same problem and experiencing the same heartache, I cried for I finally realised that I was not alone and that there is a solution to it.

What is vaginismus? Here’s the complete definition;

“Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or 'will' the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem.

In some cases vaginismus tightness may begin to cause burning, pain, stinging during intercourse. In other cases, penetration may be difficult or completely impossible. Vaginismus is the main cause of unconsummated relationships. The tightness can be so restrictive that the opening to the vagina is 'closed off' altogether and the man is unable to insert his penis. The pain of vaginismus ends when the sexual attempt stops, and usually intercourse must be halted due to pain or discomfort.”

Well basically it means that the Pelvic Floor Muscles would tighten the vagina entry whenever it feels threatened, making penetration sex impossible.

I immediately ordered the vaginismus kit but I admit it took me a few months to open the package and face my fear. I suppose I was afraid that what if this kit doesn’t work? Then what? 

The complete kit

In all those time when I was procrastinating, kidding myself that perhaps the problem would simply disappear, I forgot that I wasn’t the only victim here. My husband too suffered. Despite my best effort to satisfy his manly needs, he withdrew from me. It felt as if there was a barrier between us. We weren’t talking anymore and he rejected some of my advances. I knew it was time for me to confide in someone and ask for help.

The person that I turned to was my mother-in-law. Like all the doctors I’ve consulted before, she too thought it was just a simple matter of me unable to stand the pain. But after she spoke to some of her friends in the medical field, she finally understood the issue and she tried her hardest to help me. On her friend’s advice, I was referred to a physiologist who specialists in unusual cases.

My first therapy session was a major breakthrough for me. Talking about my problem so openly without any judgement made me feel so liberated and somehow it felt as if the huge burden of carrying this secret alone was lifted. I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With the aid of the vaginismus kit and the therapy session, I am proud to say that I’m a virgin no more! Although I have managed to conquer my biggest obstacle yet, my therapist said that it is still a long way to go before I can achieve a wholesome sexual experience. But that’s alright. The most important thing is that the hard part is over and that I’m on the right path to recovery.

The silver lining from all this?  My husband is my rock. Without his patience, support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be able to face it, let alone conquer it.

If you have any questions regarding vaginismus, feel free to drop me an email.