Skeleton in my closet

Since this is my first blog entry, I thought I should start it off with a bang. By that, I mean I'm about to tell the whole world one of my biggest secret ever. Why? I've struggled with this issue for a while and I realised that by telling someone about it, made me feel liberated and thus helping me in overcoming the biggest obstacle in my life. And I do hope that my experience will be able to help other women who are suffering in silence.

30^th April 2011 may be the happiest day in my life as I was officially married to my childhood sweetheart in a fairy tale wedding, after being together for more than 8 years. After months of stressful planning and preparing for the big day, both of us were looking forward to our honeymoon, for some pampering and relaxation and of course, intimacy. 

Wedding Photos

Unfortunately our honeymoon ended up disastrously as his needs for intimacy wasn't fulfilled. He was frustrated and I was miserable. We have tried so many times, in so many ways and yet two years have gone by and I still remained a virgin.  After consulting numerous doctors, the result was still the same. One of the doctors even had the gall to say that “it was all in my head” and that if I do not resolve this soon then my marriage was pretty much over. I was utterly heartbroken. But my husband assured me that he would always be with me no matter what. But I’m no fool. One thing I know for a fact is that love does not conquer it all. This is not a Shakespeare’s play, this is real life.

To make things worse is that people keep asking about when we are planning to start a family. Whenever my husband and I try to end the topic by saying we weren’t financially ready yet, we would always get the disapproval and sometimes disgusting looks from them. And my in-laws’ hope of seeing a baby in the family only led to more tears on my end.

Happier Times

After searching the internet for months, I stumbled upon a website called www.vaginismus.com. After reading the testimonials of women facing the same problem and experiencing the same heartache, I cried for I finally realised that I was not alone and that there is a solution to it.

What is vaginismus? Here’s the complete definition;

“Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or 'will' the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem.

In some cases vaginismus tightness may begin to cause burning, pain, stinging during intercourse. In other cases, penetration may be difficult or completely impossible. Vaginismus is the main cause of unconsummated relationships. The tightness can be so restrictive that the opening to the vagina is 'closed off' altogether and the man is unable to insert his penis. The pain of vaginismus ends when the sexual attempt stops, and usually intercourse must be halted due to pain or discomfort.”

Well basically it means that the Pelvic Floor Muscles would tighten the vagina entry whenever it feels threatened, making penetration sex impossible.

I immediately ordered the vaginismus kit but I admit it took me a few months to open the package and face my fear. I suppose I was afraid that what if this kit doesn’t work? Then what? 

The complete kit

In all those time when I was procrastinating, kidding myself that perhaps the problem would simply disappear, I forgot that I wasn’t the only victim here. My husband too suffered. Despite my best effort to satisfy his manly needs, he withdrew from me. It felt as if there was a barrier between us. We weren’t talking anymore and he rejected some of my advances. I knew it was time for me to confide in someone and ask for help.

The person that I turned to was my mother-in-law. Like all the doctors I’ve consulted before, she too thought it was just a simple matter of me unable to stand the pain. But after she spoke to some of her friends in the medical field, she finally understood the issue and she tried her hardest to help me. On her friend’s advice, I was referred to a physiologist who specialists in unusual cases.

My first therapy session was a major breakthrough for me. Talking about my problem so openly without any judgement made me feel so liberated and somehow it felt as if the huge burden of carrying this secret alone was lifted. I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With the aid of the vaginismus kit and the therapy session, I am proud to say that I’m a virgin no more! Although I have managed to conquer my biggest obstacle yet, my therapist said that it is still a long way to go before I can achieve a wholesome sexual experience. But that’s alright. The most important thing is that the hard part is over and that I’m on the right path to recovery.

The silver lining from all this?  My husband is my rock. Without his patience, support and encouragement, I wouldn’t be able to face it, let alone conquer it.

If you have any questions regarding vaginismus, feel free to drop me an email.